I'm very doubtful of myself all the time.
I feel worthless and just under-appreciate
I feel like I'm going invisible..
I feel like things are becoming non-existent.
That life an illusion
I'm not real
or really here
and it's all in my head
I feel like my life is in scenes that are just made up and fake
I feel as if the ground will be ripped out from under me.

When I say I'm doubtful of myself..
I feel that when I do something I haven't actually done it.
I double and even triple everything I do.
I re-do everything, and I feel like if I have done something it was never done.
I feel like the places I've been I haven't actually gone to.
I always think /Did this really happen/
I always think... /Will everyone or anyone notice/
But as soon as the eyes disappear from looking right through me I feel gone again.
Everything feels insignificant.

All the time ...
These false conclusions of actions that will probably never happen play in my head.
Every bad scene of any possible bad thing plays in my head over and over again.
And action.../So and so/ is driving and I'm at /random place/ and my name is called as I leave the room and the person tells me /so and so/ is dead. I drop my books and collapse on the ground and break out in tears and run away. /Gorgeous person is close by and watches the breakdown/
End scene...
Another begins..
And plays the tears on my face.

Words with crappy meanings have been dressed up to look nice for a show.
Show the whole world.
I'm paranoid of being watched all the time.
Of fucking something up becuase I always do.
But.. when something in me dies as a person... Something else grows..
Most of the time..
Sometimes half of the time..
I'm not keeping a record, my mind is cluttered.

My voice becomes weak and I try to stay strong.
False strength and a lovely smile can hide anything.
Talking about it in anyways becomes impossible because I'm still weak inside.

I feel like all of the relationships I have with people are breaking.
I can't let go... but I am..

I feel trapped in a fish bowl with no water, no way out. The oxygen is gone and the air that is actually there is heavy. Everyone becomes fake and I'm afraid of them. I feel like i can't contain myself and that I'm going to pass out. I get shaky and dizzy and the room spins. Gravity feels like chains holding me down. I'm waiting for the world around me to float away. I'm waiting for myself to turn to dust. For everything to disappear like a stage crew removing the props on stage behind the curtain in the dark while the audience waits for the scene to change and the next scene to begin as if the last part hasn't happened.

Reality is breaking from underneath me.
My throat is stuck in my chest and I can't scream out.
I want this to be a happy ending again.


This was from a while ago. I've been to that place many times.. It's really depressing. One day a close friend of mine told me that every time we talk there's always something wrong. And he was right. There always something. I hated that. I wanted to change so much, it seems... I am changing all the time. My mind goes off into worlds I don't even understand. There have been times in my life where I didn't know what to do. I don't know how to handle everything, but, I made it through. What hasn't killed me made me stronger, smarter, more experienced. I have a new way of thinking. Bring death into the subject who is to say that I wont die tomorrow? If I do I would be unhappy. There were times in my life when that is all I wanted.. All I wanted was to lay in a deep hole and just die away from the world because the world had no use for me. God.. I was so naive, so... empty. Now I feel that I an't die yet. I'm not complete. I want to set examples for this world. I want to bring a new light. My thoughts may drift again to this point, but nothing that can keep me down because I know that I will make it through. What I have is the idea... the knowledge that not everything is as it seems. I need to relax and not let the little things get to me because this may be out only life. I don't want to waste that. I don't want to throw it away, I want to live it out my way. Be my own person, make my own life. Help myself and help others. I know when I was in this depressing state all I wanted was someone to help me out but no one did. I did it myself, a lot of people unfortunately cannot do that and I want to help them, show them that there is always going to be something to live for, something to do, to be complete. Another person who has helped me with realizing that I can make it through were the words spoken and sung so beautifully by Andrew Dennis Biersack..or as known as Andy Six. He is such a remarkable person, I can make that judgment just through his music alone, not to mention everything else he has said. I would love to sit down and have a conversation with that man and talk about anything and everything. Just slow life down and to talk. Isn't that what anyone wants though? To talk to someone they feel influenced by? Captivated by, inspired by, and by someone who has an understanding of you. I don't have anyone who can really understand my ways of thinking, then again, I seem outgoing to everyone, friendly, creative, funny, but all in all I have yet to truly open up. I could go on for days, I haven't had the right person to really express myself too. When I do that person will become very special to me. For them to have even a slight understanding, to be listening, conversing back, slowing time down with me just to let it all out. That person would become my best friend, my most trusted possession. The day I am able to talk with that person, the day I can really open up... I know a lot of things will change in my life. It has for other people who have opened up to me. I'm thankful for that though. There are people who trust me enough, and respect me for my opinions. I don't take that for granted. Trust is valuable. Genuine. Needed. Maybe that's it. I need to trust myself before I can really open up to someone. I'll work on it. For now that's all I will write for this, I became side tracked. See... my mind just wonders off and my hands just follow.. good night everyone<3